


i can erase you and try again (i loved you)

by myflower



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), JBJ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, College, Friendship, Kissing, M/M, Parties, Swearing, hanahaki, ice cream shop, prior kencall, prior sogyun, sanggyun and longguo are only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 23:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13580838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myflower/pseuds/myflower
Summary: kenta really, really hoped that it wasn't as serious as it actually was.





	i can erase you and try again (i loved you)

**Author's Note:**

> well SHIT i finished a hanahaki fic???f fuck??/?  
> there's a lot of swearing and blood mentions when it gets later in the fic so if u don't like that...don't read this...that's why it's rated m so.  
> \  
> i live in the usa so when its mentioned its based off of university/college life that u hear about here lmFAO ANYWAYSSS......  
> this is fuckin cliche as shit. i hope it's somewhat enjoyable and makes u cry like it made me cry 500 times. i hate my writing bye  
> this shit is rushed as fuck. sorry. also unbeta'd. sorry for errors....
> 
>  
> 
> title taken from the lyrics of 'no way' from the unit ([listen to it here (seriously please listen to it it's so good)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAq3JOPUNgo))

There’s a small ice cream shop about a block away from Kenta’s apartment. He doesn’t necessarily like ice cream, but he likes their milkshakes. Chocolate, with whipped cream and a cherry and strawberry slices on top. It was his usual, as he was a usual to the small shop.

One day, he walked into the shop, ready to greet his dear friend—the manager of the store—Taehyun. Taehyun was notoriously passionate about ice cream. He didn’t eat much of it unless he was trying a new flavor, but he loved serving people it. It brought him happiness, seeing the smile on kids’ faces when they received their cup or cone, or giving the adults buying ice cream a bright smile and them returning it with a “thank you”. His smile was contagious; you couldn’t look at it without wanting to smile too.

But instead of seeing Taehyun at the counter, Kenta saw someone he’d never met, or even seen, before. He neared the counter and looked at the man closely. He was taller than Kenta was by at least a few, if not ten, centimeters. His hair was messy and dark, his face well put together and very attractive. His lips were slim but they curved into a smile that made his entire face light up.

“Welcome to _Catapults_ , what can I get you?” the man said, his voice slightly higher pitched than Kenta expected it to be.

“Is Taehyun here?” Kenta asked quickly, and the man—Donghan, Kenta learned, looking at his nametag—shook his head.

“Taehyun said he was going to run out for a bit. He’ll be back soon. Do you need me to tell him something for you?” Donghan tilted his head to the side, mouth slightly open in question, eyes completely on Kenta’s.

“No, it’s okay. Get me a chocolate milkshake with whipped cream, strawberry slices, and a cherry please.”

“Is that all?” Donghan asked, punching a number into the cash register. He grimaced for a moment, looking to have made a mistake in his tapping process. Kenta nodded when Donghan looked back up at him, and he gave him his total.

Kenta handed over a gift card for the shop, and as Donghan took it to swipe, he looked at the balance in bewilderment.

“Woah, how do you have $280 on this card? Do you come here that often?”

Kenta laughed and rolled his eyes, “Taehyun owed me after I helped him in a time of need, this was his way of partially paying me back. Free milkshakes on him for about a year or two.”

“That’s crazy. Can I ask what for?”

Kenta stared at Donghan, considering whether or not he should tell the truth, and if so, delve into the details. He settled for just the truth, detail-less. “Medical bills. That’s basically it.”

“Oh...okay, well...is he okay?”

“Yeah, he had some lung problems back in college. Sucked really bad. He didn’t wanna miss class over it, but I made him go take care of it. But he couldn’t afford it really, so that’s how we’re here.”

“Wow, okay…” Donghan said, before looking back at the receipt that had been ejected from the cash register. “I’ll get to making that milkshake for you.”

“Thank you, Donghan,” Kenta nodded, taking the receipt.

It was probably for the better that Kenta didn’t allow the conversation to continue past that point. Regardless, he continued to watch him as he made his milkshake, clear that he was still learning but that he was trained enough to be able to do it well. That was to be expected; Taehyun would have a fit if anything was less than perfect.

Taehyun came back within twenty minutes of Kenta’s arrival, immediately going behind the counter without taking a look around so that he could drop his stuff off in his office. He came out a moment later, and the second he saw Kenta, he smiled and pushed himself from behind the counter toward the younger’s table.

“Hey hyung,” Kenta said, waving at Taehyun as he neared and sat at Kenta’s table. “How’s the newbie doing?”

Taehyun laughed, “Who, Donghan? He’s just about the only person who’s applied and been hired in the past few months that's actually seemed passionate about it. How’s your shake? He didn’t fuck it up, right?”

“No, no, it’s fine. Good, actually. And he’s cute,” Kenta replied. Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“Sure, but he’s still in college and he’s practically broke. Don’t go getting your hopes up, Kenta.”

Kenta smiled, “Who said anything about that?”

Taehyun stared at Kenta intently, curious.

“What?” Kenta said, “Is there something in my teeth?”

“Should I remind you that I know the same thing that happens to me happens to you?”

That shut the younger up.

“Whatever happens, be careful. Please. I don’t want to know what you went through with me. Just be safe.”

“I’ll be fine, hyung, it’s a harmless tiny crush. I just met him. Plus, with you and Sanggyun, it was different. You were whipped beyond compare.”

“It’s not my fault...” Taehyun looked at his hands on the table, licking his lips a bit.

“I know, but he was such an _absolute dick_ about your feelings. I still feel bad when I think about it.”

Taehyun sighed. “Promise me right now you’ll tell me if anything happens.”

Kenta laughed, and rolled his eyes playfully. He held out his pinky, “Promise.”

Taehyun took it, shaking his head slightly.

Kenta knew entirely well that it was an empty promise. If anything happened, it’d take Taehyun finding out on his own for Kenta to be able to let him know.

 

+

 

Kenta already had the habit of visiting _Catapults_ every day, but there was a new addition to the routine. That being talking to Donghan for at least 20 minutes of his time spent there.

Honestly, Kenta really liked Donghan. He was kind, handsome, and really energetic. He also had a great sense of humor and a nice personality. His smile was pretty and his laugh was contagious. Kenta could feel that they matched each other very well.

The last thing he expected, the last thing he wanted, was to wake up in the early hours of the morning about a week and a half later with a piercing feeling in his lungs.

He began coughing excessively, already worried that he knew exactly what it was.

When the smallest petal released itself from Kenta's throat into his hand, he immediately felt sick beyond compare. He wanted to puke. Of fucking course.

And it wasn't like it was a mystery who it was for.

 

+

 

Taehyun caught one of Kenta's episodes earlier than Kenta hoped he would.

They were spending some time at Taehyun's apartment (which was actually in the same building as Kenta's, just on a higher level), watching a super hero movie they hadn't yet seen. Everything was going alright, too, until Taehyun brought up Donghan, and how it seemed like Kenta was getting pretty close to him. Kenta tried his hardest to not stay on the subject too long, but after Taehyun mentioned him, he couldn't stop thinking about him. The sound of Donghan's laugh and the vision of his smile echoed through his mind, and Kenta quickly excused himself to Taehyun's bathroom.

He tried to be as quiet as possible, but despite that, when he opened up the bathroom door about seven minutes later, Taehyun was standing outside the bathroom door. The movie was paused and the room was silent. Taehyun just stared at Kenta, worried.

"Kenta. Are you okay?" Taehyun asked, knowing that Kenta was probably going to lie about it. Kenta sighed. _No point in trying._

"No."

 

+

 

Two weeks later, Kenta was spending all of his spare time at Taehyun's apartment instead of his own. He didn't want to deal with all of it alone, like he had just a couple years prior. He realized that that was the worst way to go about having Hanahaki. It helps to have someone there for you. Kenta was beyond grateful that Taehyun was his best friend. But it didn't help when Taehyun started to question him almost every single day, and very clearly began to worry more and more.

One day, they were eating a pizza in Taehyun's living room, binging a drama that they'd both been meaning to watch.

Taehyun stopped watching the TV and stared at him. He hit pause on the remote, and Kenta looked over, questioning.

Taehyun looked like he was contemplating just hitting the play button and continuing to watch the show, but he didn't.

“Kenta, seriously, this is getting out of hand. I’m worried about you.”

Kenta just stared at the older for a moment.

“I’ll be okay, hyung, don’t worry about me. I can handle it well.” Kenta said, trying his hardest to not let his thoughts fall on the bright 20 year old who had been, if Kenta was honest, on his mind more than he’d care to admit. He took another bite of his pizza and stared at the television screen, hoping Taehyun would drop the subject and hit play again.

“Aren’t you afraid, though?”

 _Yeah_ , of course he was.

Did he care?

_No._

Okay, maybe he did a little. But it didn’t matter. Everything would be okay.

 _I’ll be okay,_ Kenta told himself.

But he was too unsure about everything to actually believe it.

Kenta didn't respond, though.

Taehyun hit play.

 

 +

 

Another week later, while Kenta was talking with Donghan at _Catapults_ , the younger had a proposition.

“Hyung, do you want to go to a party with me?”

A party. Of course, he was still in college. But Kenta wasn’t. He hadn’t been to a college party since he was a sophomore, which was almost 4 years ago, and it was because Taehyun had dragged him along.

Honestly, Kenta hated the concept of parties. Anytime he attended one, he was the friend that had to stay sober so that everyone else (read: Taehyun) could get home safely. Obviously, there were others who were like him, so he tended to hang around and talk to them. Most were nice, specifically someone he met named Longguo (which is a whole story for another time). But the time that he found Taehyun wasted, crying his eyes out from pain and heartache in the frat house’s bathroom at 3:32 in the morning really didn't help. It also didn’t help that at that specific party, Kenta found out Taehyun had Hanahaki too.

So, yeah. Really not a fan of parties.

“Sure,” Kenta said, surprisingly not feeling immediate regret.

Donghan looked way too excited.

“Awesome! I’ll tell Hyunbinie-hyung!”

A party. With Donghan.

Honestly, Kenta didn't know how to feel about it. He was finally getting to do more than just talk to Donghan while he was working, but it did set him off somehow.

 

+

 

Arriving at the fraternity was extremely uncomfortable.

Kenta hadn't been on the school campus for two or three years now, so seeing the halls filled with students he'd never seen before was weird as all hell.

Donghan was a student here, though, so he knew many people. He just didn't talk to many, _outside of Hyunbin,_ he said.

From what Kenta could tell, Hyunbin was Donghan's best friend. He was a good kid, too, as Donghan explained, one you wouldn't expect to be in a fraternity, yet there he was. He joined simply because of peer pressure, but now he brings the frat together for good parties and even better study sessions.

"I'm telling you, he really is a good kid," Donghan insisted. Kenta just laughed.

 

+

 

Clearly, the alcohol was a driving factor. But Kenta didn’t care at all.

All that Kenta cared about was Donghan, who was so goddamned beautiful in the dim lights, neck exposed, sitting right below Kenta.

All that Kenta cared about was the sound of shock Donghan released when Kenta pressed his lips down on the younger’s neck, tensed, then the relaxation a moment later and Donghan’s hands on Kenta’s hips, dipping just under his shirt, as Kenta made his way up to Donghan’s lips. Donghan's thumbs slipped themselves underneath the band of Kenta's boxers, and Kenta quickly felt his blood boiling.

All that Kenta cared about was Donghan’s lips on his own, Donghan's hands on his skin, and how absolutely in love with him he felt. How Donghan reciprocated Kenta’s efforts. How their mouths slotted together so perfectly. God, Kenta felt like he could do this forever.

Donghan was so perfect to Kenta. 

This was the only thing he wanted to do.

Until Donghan suddenly stopped.

Donghan stopped kissing Kenta, and Kenta’s little world he'd built started to collapse.

A few seconds later, Donghan started apologizing, started trying to leave, and Kenta just couldn't believe any of this was happening. In an instant, he felt his lungs fill up so much that he could barely breathe. He felt thorns pricking at his throat, but he forced himself up and out to follow Donghan instead of letting himself pass out from the utter pain. He wasn't going to let him leave like this. There was no way.

As they exited the house, Kenta wanted to scream, but Donghan just turned around and faced him before he could do anything.

"Please don't follow me," Donghan said, and Kenta really, really hated this situation. He hated how quickly it turned from something great to something horrible. His lungs fucking hurt. He wished so desperately that this would be a dream.

As stupid as it was, the pain was so overwhelming that Kenta couldn't think straight.

“Do you enjoy hurting me, or something, Donghan?!” Kenta’s screamed out, head throbbing, feeling like he was going to burst a vein. He was sobering up far too quickly, and really was nearing fainting.

Donghan was silent. Kenta knew him well enough to know that that wasn’t the case, but he was just so frustrated. Everything was so frustrating. Kenta liked Donghan far too much, his lungs filling far beyond a point of safety. The last thing he expected was to have an episode in front of the younger, the last thing he wanted was for him to know the truth. Tears slipped down Kenta's cheek.

That Kenta loved him.

Much beyond just ‘brotherly’ love that many, including Donghan, would try to excuse their relationship as.

That hurt.

“You entertained me this much, for what? What could you have gained, Donghan?”

Kenta fell to his knees and the petals spilled out of his mouth a moment later, and Donghan only stared at the older in shock as the broken, bloodied flowers fell one by one into Kenta’s hands and onto the ground, Kenta heaving to get every last one out as quickly as possible. God, this was fucking embarrassing. This...he never wanted this to happen.

His mouth was reddened, tainted, as he lost every last bit of self control and let himself slip.

“Fuck you, Kim Donghan. Fuck you for being your stupid, hilarious, kind, lovely self. Fuck you for that first day we met. Fuck you for being so open and friendly all the goddamned time. Fuck you. Fuck you. Seriously,” Kenta said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, laughing to himself, hating how idiotic he sounded, “fuck you for making me fall in love with you.”

Donghan visibly swallowed, staring down at Kenta in a mixture of fear and curiosity. Tears started to slip down Kenta’s cheeks.

“I love you, Kim Donghan, and I hate myself for it,” Kenta said, “I hate my every waking second because I fucking fell in love with you. It’s so painful to be in love with someone, especially like this. I don’t get to fall in love as easily as most. I have to deal with these fucking flowers in my fucking lungs, and it never gets better. Only worse. Because I know you could never reciprocate my feelings. Please just reject me now so that I can make myself go get the goddamn surgery I need to remove everything,” Kenta heaved, tears overwhelming, staring down at the bloodied flowers, as he let out one last “please.”

Silence followed. The only thing to be heard was Kenta’s panting.

“I…” Donghan started to say, and Kenta was really wondering what he would say, that what he thought wouldn’t be true, but instead of finishing, Donghan went silent again.

And then he left.

Kenta’s heart panged in his chest. Of fucking course this would happen.

Of fucking course.

 

+

 

“Taehyun, please come get me."

"Aren't you with Donghan?" Taehyun asked, and Kenta started to shake his head before realizing that this is a phone call, he can't see your face, idiot.

"No, I'm not. Please come get me."

"I'll be right there. See you."

"Wait. Taehyun."

The line was silent for a moment.

"I need to do it."

“Oh. Okay," Taehyun said. "I'll be right there."

 

+

 

The next morning, Kenta woke up on Taehyun's couch. He immediately checked his phone to find that he had at least 10 text messages and 20 missed calls, all from a name he hoped he really would never see again.

After last night? Yeah. Kenta never wanted to see or hear his name again.

When he unlocked his phone, though, to see all the text messages, the first few were asking Kenta to respond, the rest paragraphs upon paragraphs of apology and questions for Kenta. He had left a voicemail too, and as much as Kenta despised himself for listening to it, he did.

It was a forty-two second voicemail, mostly consisting of Donghan asking Kenta to call him back, that he didn’t mean what he did, that he regretted leaving but only did it because he didn’t know what to do. That the bomb Kenta dropped on him was too overwhelming and he was still slightly drunk and everything was just so hard to process.  
He sent one message in response.

‘ _Catapults_. 30 minutes.’

 

+

 

As soon as Kenta got to the shop, he saw Taehyun at the counter, as expected. He walked up to his best friend and slammed his head on the counter-top before Taehyun could tell him to stop so that he wouldn’t get his germs everywhere. But knowing how horrendously sick Kenta had been, and how hungover he probably was right now, Taehyun let it slip. He’d probably quadruple-sanitize it when Kenta lifted his head up.

“Long morning?” Taehyun asked, restocking some of the plastic-ware. Kenta sat himself on the stool in front of him and didn’t respond, so Taehyun continued, “You really want to do it?”

“I asked him to come here this morning.”

Taehyun stopped stocking to look at Kenta worriedly. The younger could feel his eyes piercing into his skull.

“Really, Kenta? You just told me last night that you need to get the surgery.” Taehyun said.

Kenta mumbled, “He texted and called me so many times. He clearly needs to talk to me. I didn’t want to not give him that chance.”

“What even happened last night?” Taehyun said, going back to working a little bit.

Kenta finally lifted his head, sighing. “He invited me to a party a couple days ago. We went, we drank, all that...”

“I know all that. I was surprised because you _hate_ parties.”

“I think you forgot that this was with Donghan, hyung. I can’t say no to him...”

“Clearly.”

“Listen, it’s not my fault that he’s my type.”

Taehyun laughed. “What even is your type? Last time you fell in love, it was with Longguo when you were still in college. And he’s _nothing_ like Donghan. Plus, after you confessed and he rejected you, you got over him. You didn’t need the surgery for Longguo. But you’re telling me you need it for Donghan? He’s definitely different.”

Kenta felt the petals poking at his lungs. He laid his head back down on the counter and went silent. Taehyun took it as a sign to stop talking, too.

Time spent in _Catapults_ in a comfortable silence between the two was always nice. It wasn’t completely quiet—there was soft music playing in the background and the sounds of Taehyun working that filled it—but it was nice.

Kenta sighed.

“I kissed him last night,” he finally mumbled, and Taehyun immediately turned around to face him.

“You what?”

“You heard me.” Kenta said.

“Did he reject it? Is that why you called me saying you need to get the surgery?” Taehyun asked, and Kenta shook his head a little.

“No, he actually kissed me back, and for a pretty long time...but then he just stopped,” Kenta said.

Taehyun swallowed a bit and tilted his head in curiosity, a questioning expression on his face.

“Kenta, if he tries anything when he gets here, you better try and stop me before I knock his kneecaps out.”

That made Kenta laugh, but only a bit before the bell at the front door rang. He immediately turned around and was met with Donghan in sight , standing there, staring him in the eyes. Kenta could almost see a flash of regret pulse through Donghan’s facial expression, and Taehyun excused himself to the back.

Kenta watched Donghan thoroughly. He watched as the younger pursed and licked his lips a bit, before pointing at a table in the back. Kenta nodded and got up to walk to the seat—his usual seat—and Donghan followed behind him.

He sat down, and Donghan sat facing him, and Kenta’s heart pounded in his chest. God, he loved Donghan so much. He _hated_ how much he loved Donghan. As stupid as it was, after everything, he still wanted Donghan more than anything or anyone else.

Silence quickly fell between the two as they just stared at one another. The silence wasn’t as comfortable as the silences between Kenta and Taehyun, but that’s because they’ve known each other for years, and they know each other’s company well enough to recognize that they don’t always need to have conversations to be comfortable around one another.

But with Donghan, the silence is uncomfortable. Deafening. Kenta really wanted him to say something before he’d burst.

“I’m sorry.”

The words repeated themselves in Kenta’s head, and he watched Donghan’s face turn into an indescribable emotion.

“I’m sorry I left last night, and I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything. I’m sorry that I stopped. I was scared.”

Kenta’s eyes were welling up. Donghan took a deep breath.

“I was scared of the same things you are. That feelings couldn’t be reciprocated. That it was happening just because we were drunk. I was so scared that you didn’t actually like me, but that I was just convenient.”

Kenta had to laugh at that. “I could never view you as ‘just convenient’, Donghan.”

“I know that now, but when it all was happening, I...I hadn’t felt more happy? But then I thought that it could all be...fake. All for nothing. It was so unrealistic to me that you'd like me.”

Kenta just stared at him.

“But then... _that_  happened. I was just so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. But I know that leaving last night when you were having your episode with the flowers was not the right thing to do. And I regret it. Immensely. I’d redo that night over a thousand times. I’d let you know how much I care about you, how much I love you, Kenta, because I do. I do, so much, and when you said all of that to me last night, it was just so fucking overwhelming.”

Kenta gulped a bit.

“Takada Kenta, please believe me when I say this. I love you, so much. You, and only you.”

Kenta’s heart could barely take this. He was crying now, silently, but visibly.

He stared at Donghan, and opened his mouth a little, only to close it a second later.

He grabbed Donghan’s hand.

“I love you, Kim Donghan.”

**Author's Note:**

> uh if you somehow liked it my twitter is @rohtaehs  
> hit me up talk to me about jbj or this fic since ive spent like the past month trying to write it


End file.
